ungrounded

is how I feel most of the time

unsure of where i belong

feeling like im just floating

strangely detached from everything

constantly just wanting to disappear

i get silly emotional and sensitive and can't help it. I can't trust my emotions most days, because one second I could be so convinced of my love for pistachio ice cream and curse it the next second. I feel a bit crazy if I were to be honest.

I'm only 3 years in but i feel like a wounded soldier who keeps going to war that before the old wounds get to heal, I already got 10 new ones. I feel raw mentally and physically. hormonal acne, hormonal breakdowns. if my old self saw me now my old self would describe me as cheesy and butthurt.

I now know myself well enough that I know exactly what I want, what I need, love what I love and hate what I hate. But maybe I'm not old enough to know how to get there, or to get the courage to go after what I need and fight for myself. I don't feel the need to impress a lot of people, yet I feel prisoned by the hopes and dreams i made up myself.

i have an idea, a pretty good idea of what i want to be, where i want to be. but i don't have enough of the means yet, combined with that sunk cost of the time and energy i put into something else.

I think I just want a lot of time to myself, a lot more than what I have right now. I need a lot of time energy to take care of myself. high-maintenance, some might say. whatever, i wouldn't want to be any less.

I feel heavy all the time, but why am i still ungrounded? It's as if no matter how heavy I feel, there's nothing underneath me in the first place for me to be grounded on.