lately

Are you (still) like me? Constantly, sometimes frantically looking for the switch? Do you strain your eyes out making shapes out of shadows till you see ghosts and monsters.... And do you look for the switch in people?

Trusting is hard. It wasn't hard when i was 4. A killer clown could have put a knife to my face and i still would have eaten the candy off his hand. It is now. Nurture, not nature.

Pain is a memory resurfacing. You don't look at an inanimate object, a knife, and know that it cuts and hurts the day you were born. someone cannot describe to you what a physical pain feel like if you have never experienced pain yourself. You learn pain first hand. The ear tearing noise of airbags popping and everything went dark.

My best friend says im the kind of person that feels an elephant inside but let out a mouse. Not sure if it translates well. I bottle up till it's tidal waves inside, yet what I put into words is the ripple on the surface.

Feeling safe is an addictive feeling. It makes you be, unapologetically.

Love is a cult. It makes you believe in the craziest thing and its incredulous to outsiders how one could fall for it. It makes you feel so right about something so wrong it alternates your reality. Some even say that’s not love.

Happiness could be so uncomfortable. I was used to crying every night into my pillows. I was so used to living in a house but not home. I was used to lying there for hours just staring at walls motionless, tearing up, muted.

I used to zoom in on photos - looking for what - i dont know. I just can’t believe that things can be good. I used to smoke. I didn't like it or think it’s cool. I felt disgusted. I just felt like I deserved it. I stopped smoking a long time ago. I realized for someone who advocates for self-love, I didn't even root for myself.

I think it's not the materials that money can buy that makes it such a pillar of life. It's the opportunity, the network that it multiplies, and the chance at failure without complete destruction that it affords you.

You don't get to choose your mom and dad and children. The only person you get to choose in your family is your significant other.

Sometimes you forget that you are living the life that you once dreamt of. I'm exactly where I wish I would be 10 years ago. I was just obsessed with ideas of where I wanna be 10 years from now that I forget that.