My 20s

I know holding my breath for months in a limbo waiting for answers

I know uprooting my life in a matter of weeks because life - my life - can flip that quickly

I know doing my best but it’s not up to me

I know watching someone else taking for granted things I would give everything to have

I know seeing people with the worse luck and feeling so guilty

I know accepting all the setbacks not just the wins because this was my choice and my decision

I know asking myself is it worth it teary-eyed in bed most nights

I know planning what if i start over the rest of the nights

I know craving “excitement” but it was instability in disguise because that was all I know

I know craving a new start every time things get hard

I know actually doing everything to leave it all behind and start all over

I know feeling so free when I do

I know being full of fear, of everything

I know always preparing for the worst

I know irrationally panicking and feeling like the world is crashing down on me when a thing deviates slightly from plans

I know having flashbacks of the past in present situations because it was what I experienced

I know crying over people & relationships, so many times and too many times

I know being so self-critical that I feel like a fraud

And I know questioning if I would ever find it, happiness