inspired by a quote that i can't remember exactly

I saw a post recently that I couldn't relate more. Being myself, I cannot remember what exactly the quote was, but it was basically saying: If you love yourself 30%, someone comes along and loves you 50%, you'll think that's a lot. But if you love yourself 90%, 50% is very little, and you will never accept that half ass love.

I probably messed up the exact percentages, but in my mind 90% makes sense, because you gotta leave 10% room for improvement and not reach the level of narcissism. Like I love myself and wouldn't want trade to be anyone else in this world, but at the same time being aware that I'm not perfect keeps me trying everyday.

Also, a cliché, but everything really comes from within. You just gotta help yourself. No one is gonna help you. And I'm talking about mental health, don't tryna fly a plane yourself. I have stopped expecting anyone to come along to "fix" me, and certainly not a partner. I will try my best to fix myself, for myself and everyone around me. I'll give up on cardio but never myself.

And I would admit I have always had a twisted side, like if I don't make it big as a normal functioning adult, I'll probably be doing things no one should be doing, just because I'm naturally drawn to the extremes. There have been people in my life that just pulled that dark side out of me, and I hate it. I hate always feeling damaged and incomplete. I was just never be happy. Always seeking the next adventures or excitement so I could stop feeling dead inside for little while. But now I know feeling 'alive' amidst all of the routines and the overwhelming gratefulness that I'm still alive and have goals to work towards everyday. I was miserable when I didn't give a crap about anything, but I'm happy when I have myself and other people to care about every single day.

I've grown to be a lot more wholesome because I truly needed to. I was brought up as an only child, and a little selfish to put it lightly. But I also grew to be smarter, after all the college tuition and all the informative Gen Eds. I unfortunately have to train myself to see through words. Literally whatever people say to you, see through it as if it's the transparent air around you that you never care to think about. At the end of the day, if you only show up when I'm all shiny happy, I can't have you in my life. I have limited energy to care about a limited number of people in my life, and you just don't make the cut. Trust and respect is earned, the default should be skepticism.