found the theme of my life: seeking constants or the lack thereof

it's probably the biggest irony in my life - i said i want stability yet i find myself with changes, one after another, all my life - Changes were the constants of my life.

Having moved 15 times during the 22 years of my being, I question when will be the last time. Each time it's the goodbyes, the hollowness you feel when one day you suddenly miss them, and then new faces that enter your life. I'm not sure out of them all which one I should call home.

My early school years, I was remembered as the new girl every school I go to. That got old eventually but still. Then high school came, I was enjoying living 2 minutes away from my 2 best friends whom along with another one were pretty much the gist of my support system all those years, but we had to move to the other side of the city. Skipping schools to ride around the city with them got a lot more inconvenient. And of course, I moved half the world away and it still makes me sad to think that we would still be close had we not moved to different continents.

Now at 23, I've been living half the globe away from my family for 6 years. Not sure how I could find a home here so I guess I just keep seeking that in other people, one after another, as messy as that sounds. But then people come and go like nothing ever happened. Some just take chucking down some wine for the night, some turn your whole world upside down.

And to no surprise, you relate and bond with the people who also move their whole lives. Until either of you move and you part ways again.

I hate to say this cuz it makes me sound like no fun but I hate spontaneity. Scared of it maybe more like. The slightest change in plans will spin me into turmoil, even a good one makes me feel sick. I would need to warm up to any big idea for years, feel sure to my core about it and then stop questioning myself. Spontaneous hangouts make my stomach turn. I get very upset when people change plans with me, even for legitimate reasons. Like why the hell do you need to get into an accident when we're supposed to have coffee?! Yea I know, I try to hide this because that makes me sound like a crazy person.

After all these years, I keep telling myself that what I want is something constant, unchanging, guaranteed, because that's what I think I don't have. Yet, I keep finding myself seeking changes, or vice versa. Maybe deep down I'm just too uncomfortable with the idea of changing the only constant in my life, which are the changes themselves.