2022

In good and bad ways, 2022 was eventful, cuz 2021 was a blur in comparison.

In fact my whole previous life somehow feels like a blur. It just started to feel real. Everyday suddenly feels like a defining moment and every emotions I feel a bit sharper. Everything in ancient past and recent past felt makeshift and effervescent. Like i wont see 70% of those people ever again so I don't care if they think im brilliant or unhinged. Now suddenly everything counts and has consequences. It felt like a trial life i was living before and now is the one and only life i actually have. Maybe it's being in a city you love or maybe it's my meds finally kicking in. Long intro to the most positive note of this year but...

Yes I'm finally in a city i wanna be

I believe in a destination. I believe that while humans by nature always want more, I think I have a destination in mind and I will feel happy when im there. I will find new goals, sure, but I won't keep pushing the finishing pole further to keep myself running after.

This is probably among the happiest I've been in a long time. These last 2 months of 2022. Because earlier this year was a haunting heartbreak and a job app fail right after that did break me down more than I ever expected.

I remember my very last session with that one therapist that I was lying to most of the time, I had hope in my eyes and we concluded our time together because I thought my love life was starting to look up and my job thing was gonna work out. I dread ever seeing her again because if she asks, neither ever worked out. I remember ending things with him and telling my friends, that's it I need this job, I really need it to work out rn because I don't know what I was gonna do if this doesn't work out either.

That's not how life fucking works of course and when I finally heard back, I was at work, I locked my door, stunted and tearing profusely, not sure how to process it and just wish I could go home right then and sit alone in a corner for a very long time. I called my best friend and while on the phone I could not utter a word for a few minutes. I was going through the literal five stages of grief over this job that I thought could have turned my life around. It does not matter now as I'm sitting here but maybe it's only because I still end up here. Who would have known what would happened if I failed the second time...

I still have my moments, but it's like this fog that was in front of me for a long time lifted up and I can clearly see myself being happy and at peace, within arms' reach.

The absolute freedom that I have

Like I can go out there tomorrow attempting to rob a bank and fuck up my whole life in matter of minutes. Have I thought about it? In my desperate moments yes. But time and time again, day in and day out I choose to show up to work, attempt to not be a danger to others on the road, and abide by the laws, for the most part. This absolute quietness when im home alone, the fact that I can absolutely do anything and probably no one will know or be able to stop me until whats done is done. I think everyone out there who chooses to make the right choices everyday even if they’re going through trying times must have a lot of integrity and grit, cuz we’re all free to fuck up our lives however the hell we want everyday and one slip of the moment could change everything but look at us all well behaving citizens participating in capitalism and making money for the top 1%.

Sometimes there is no lesson to learn

The heartbreak that I never figured out the point of. Everything happens for a reason right? Then what was the fucking reason that i had to be so sad. I ended it yet I was the one without closure and struggle to find the lesson I was supposed to learn here. I got nothing. If it happens to me again i probably wouldn’t know any better. Maybe in life sometimes shitty things happen to you and thats it there’s no deeper meaning to it not really a lesson you could learn from. Not everything is a lesson to learn so stop trying to make sense out of senseless things. It's not that deep.

I could be an airhead and it's fucking great

Who knows my neurotic over-achiever self could ever grow to be a bit more ditzy and consider it an achievement. Not over-analyzing every minute details, not having to win every argument, not being ridden with anxiety to come out as the best in everything. My old self would think meditation is the dumbest shit ever invented cuz why do you need to practice "relaxing"? But fuck now I know emptying your mind and facing your own thoughts could be one of the hardest things in the world. No wonder people go crazy locked in the room devoid of any sensory stimulations.

“You’ve got nothing to lose” is almost always wrong

Most of the time if you’re not someone having nothing to their name, no loved ones and no will to live - there is a lot to lose. You lose your precious time and energy and you add negative baggage. A negative addition is a loss. Opportunity cost baby.

I remember the times I showed up, cuz well, nothing to lose right, then came home feeling like shit, pulling all nighter just to hang at an Ihop for mediocre conversations cuz everyone was high or drunk or asleep on the table. Never did I pull an all-nighter for an exam but I did for some stupid partying and peer pressure.

Little did I realize hosting parties every weekend with 30 strangers at my place - some puking out on the patio, some setting off the smoke alarm, some passing out on my bed - didn't help much with my depression back then. Fuck the mental energy I spend the next morning trying to piece together what happened the night before, while power cleaning the place with 10 full trash bags before my roommate gets home. Those nights and those crowds definitely made my vacumm soul even more of a negative space. I'm glad I'm past that dark phase in my life -literally an empty shell walking around all smiley and fun.

The chaos of the 20s

I dont think im being dramatic or naive. I say this with 80% confidence that years later when i look back on my 20s, I wont say it was a breeze like how i look back to the infant days wishing I were still there just napping and munching all day. I will say it wasn’t easy, that it’s not the most beautiful time of my life. That yes there were beautiful memories - memories, past tense. Most of them didn't stay.

Financial compatibility could make or break fragile friendships

When you were a broke ass college kid you really didn't care about riding in a broken down 2001 mustang with this random guy you just met 30 minutes ago driving high out of his mind while you're holding on for your dear life and paranoid that this is the last trip of your life cuz you also inhaled a little too much.

I'm sorry but now I want friendships with a little more elegance.

I'm sorry but no I'm not down for 3am Walmart shopping trips anymore, nor am I interested in buying some "diamond" earrings from Walmart for Secret Santa.

I learned to appreciate and recognize quality, comfort, and luxury, happily so while the broke friends call me 'materialistic'. Difference of opinions I guess - I believe in spending to have things that last and work for you, and not you running after it fixing it all the time. I don't believe in worrying about every 10 bucks and dedicating lots of time to find cheapest alternative, sitting out of experience because money. And not only are you stingy with ur money, you're stingy with ur time and efforts bacause you've gotta save that to make more money.

In an ideal life, or maybe a Black Mirror episode, money should be a non-issue, merely a means to experience life, meaningful relationships and to fulfill life wishes.

It was never an issue when we were all broke but I guess now it is.

The scary people in life are the people in denial

The people who are not at peace with who they are and what they have and what they think their values are. Like the kind who wants certain things but cant fulfill it so they turn to hate and protest it. Like the kind who wants comfort in their life but cant afford it so they disdain it and call those who have it shallow, materialistic. The ones who truly like who they are are at peace, living their lives, not putting others down, not scoffing at people for having what they don’t have. What people lack and are in denial about, they project it onto others and it's scary.

Anyways, cheers to 2023, I’ll be taking no bullshit from no one. I think this might be my year. Even if I'm already late to publishing this like most years.