2021

Edit: very long due post. It's a third way through 2022 already. Maybe this is a hint to how 2022 is going for me...

Anyway, 2021, the year that I never felt happened. Weird year for me, compared to all the years before that were clearly either bad or good (mostly bad lol). My love for lists is still going strong through the years so here we go, my reflections on this year:

1. Fantasy self

In my fantasy life i would be an interpreter traveling the world, always at some United Nations convention surrounded by important human activists. Definitely something more exciting, more movement, more crisis management that I would get to wear the fifth of my closet that i never got to rip the tags off. I would have 2 cats, even though sitting here i dont think that will work with my fantasy career that involves constantly moving between continents lol. Truthfully, I haven’t come to terms with the fact that I work a boring office job outside of which I would barely have time left for myself. A job where I have to try so hard just for it to drain all of the energy that I already lack. And truthfully? I hate how scared I am the older I get all in the name of ‘being practical and realistic’.

2. Radical acceptance

No questions no self doubt no blaming, just the fact to plainly present itself and me accepting it. Sometimes in life, it wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t their fault, and there’s nothing you could’ve done differently to make the outcome any better. It wasn’t meant to be, so it will not be. But all that didn’t come naturally, I had to learn to not take things personally to not dwell on the past when all is said and done. Too many times did I dwell on the Why’s that without fail it leads to the “What’s wrong with me? Why am I not good enough?”. And in the end I never got the answers to those questions - all I got is feeling shitty and like the world is crushing down on me.

3. Stop expecting one single thing alone in my life to fulfill my every need

Not an object, not a job, definitely not a human being to be the end all be all for my needs and happiness. And especially not a human being.

4. The resilience I never knew I had, and what it means

When I see people in miserable situations but choose to stay, I let them. Let them feel the pain they choose, because when they’ve had enough, it will come naturally to let go. If they haven’t let go, they’re not hurt enough.

At least it was my experience, holding on to something that made me so happy in the fleeting moments, but so much pain the rest of the time. I stayed for so long. When I left, I’ve had enough and couldn’t take another milli ounce of it. Even then I couldn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel, I thought I would hurt until the day I die. But days in months by, now a year and I think i’ve grown out of that pain. I’m perfectly fine again and realized it wasn’t a first that I get over something I thought I never possibly could ever.

And the question lingers in me about what this means about the people in my life. I know i can let go and yes i will be hurt, for a while, but i always always bounce back and love again. So when do i stay and fight, when i know i can just leave or let go?

5. life

what if life is not a battle that you need to win

life is just there for you to feel and experience all the bads and the goods

and just be

if that is it

and that we’re all gonna disappear one day

I feel peaceful about it

if im happy great

if im not doesnt matter anyways

ominous positivity much?

6. Letting go of ideals

Im in love with the idea that someone will stick around and be there for me. I’m in love with the idea of forever, the absolute guarantee that no matter how i fuck up theres still cushion. I want it because I never had it. It is a luxury to have a safety net that even if you fail, someone else will catch you.

7. I lost a lot of shits this year.

I'm not ecstatic to lose things. Those were gifts that I cherish, money I worked my ass off for. And I was definitely not ecstatic to go through all the stress and frustrations trying to find the fuckers that commited the act and almost had to pay for someone else's felonies. But honestly I'm relieved to learn that I don't care that much, that materialistic things don't really affect my happiness much at this point. And of course I am very lucky to be in a position to say that, I'm aware. But how freeing is loss without lacking.